What will the night bring?

So tonight I am going to a friends joint birthday. One is turning 30 and the other 39. I met these people through my ex. Since the split I stopped spending time with a lot of these people, DMF, because I could only imagine what they thought of me.

I had major social anxiety with DMF for a very long time. I was taking way to many drugs and was with a partner that lead me to believe that they didn’t think that highly of me. After a very long time I finally stopped having social anxiety around them and just in general. I think it was the time I started coming to my senses of what my ex was doing.

So tonight is going to be an interesting night for many reasons. First off I am getting on the gear tonight which I am really looking forward to. It has been 3 months since I have had a big night. I actually can’t wait to have some MD and have a MD puddle with someone at some point. You just end up being in a space of complete bliss until the meth start giving you paranoia.

Secondly I do have the possibility of seeing my ex. The last time I saw him was at a party that DMF put on every year called Samsara. It’s a bush doof that is free. Well I saw him with another friend and waved at him. He kinda looked at me weird and waved back. Another girl that I have issues with, that is close to my ex, is also going to be there. I had an encounter with her at Rainbow Serpent. I was really high on GHB and just stood in front of her at her camp site with a few other people and just yelled “HEY!!! How you going?” It was kinda funny cos again I got that weird look. After that though she did unblock me from Facebook so it will be interesting to see if either of them will try to talk to me.

Thirdly the guy that is turning 30 is in a polyamorous relationship. I heard stories about one of their parties that had a ‘fun’ room where people got down and dirty. A fair few of people from DMF are either in open relationship, polyamorous or split. So maybe at some point I could end up having some intimate one on one time.

So what will the night bring???…

A lot of laughs, getting shit faced and the possibility of fun time… we will just have to wait and see xo

What goes up must come down!

Yes I have been a bad girl. I have been on a drug binge and my brain is going to bad places. I am second guessing myself on so many levels that I feel like tearing my hair out. I want it to stop but the high must come down.

I keep going over what happened at this event I went to on the weekend. I’m trying to understand what had happened to get to some kind of resolution. Of course though I can’t get it cos I no longer talk to the people involved.

It began with talking to an old friend from a crew I use to hang with. He actually came up to me and done one of our old jokes… ‘what are ya doing?’ I was on the dance floor alone watching Mr. Smiles do his set. I couldn’t be bothered dancing so followed Kason to the lighting booth. Next thing my ex and kittyness where collecting rubbish infront of us. Kason then says from nowhere ‘oh look there is dickhead and kittyness picking up rubbish’. I waved and continued to talk to Kason he turned to me and said after they left ‘so you know what asshole 2 and kittyness are talking about?’ I replied ‘what?’ he says ‘us!’. I was kinda confused. He then goes on to say ‘you wouldn’t believe how good asshole 2 thought of himself after he fucked kittyness’ I couldn’t believe it! Why the hell is he telling me this? Does he want me to react so he can tell everyone that I still have feelings for my ex (which I don’t) or is he just that sleep deprived that he doesn’t know what he is saying? We haven’t seen each other for maybe a year and begins to tell me this. He than continues with ‘the girls that he has fucked since the two of you broke up I got him that!’ I had already been up more than 24 hours and taken copious amounts of drugs so l began to feel really uncomfortable and anxious and began to think what was going to happen next?

Kason then challenged me to do something, which I did, and in return he would do the same for me. Well I didn’t want that I wanted more meth for the rest of my day. So I asked him to get it off Dealer that I didn’t want to talk to because we had fucked a week after my break up. He knew the whole story about asshole 2 and thought he was a dick but not long after the intervention I was told they had become close friends. After this had happened and Kason gave me the gear he disappears leaving me to look after the laptops in the lighting booth. Short after that Devil woman walks past just starts staring me down. Just so you know she is a close friend of asshole 2. Did Kason say  that I wanted the stuff? For ages I kept having these death stares from Devil woman from across the dance floor. While sitting in this booth on my own the Dealer comes in to collect his laptop without saying a word to me, which is fine, but when he leaves I look over my shoulder and Devil woman is there waiting for him and still staring me down! I knew that she was doing all of this to just intimidate me but fucking back off bitch its been a bloody year… get over it! I have never done anything to you, what the hell is your problem?

Still to this day no one knows my side of the story when it comes to the break up. I knew that asshole 2 would be in everyone’s ear about it but as I have been told no one knows the full story due to Asshole 2 giving bits and pieces which then gets spreed around the crew like chinese whispers. I haven’t been able to speak up about it at all because I have this thing about my reputation with this crew. Asshole 2 was already giving me a bad rep when we where going out so you could only imagine just what he was saying when we broke up. I am anxious in revealing my story for I feel that my words will fall on deaf ears and will then be portrayed as a liar. Asshole 2 is very manipulative and can con you into believing anything.

I don’t know why I can’t just say all the things that he has done to me! Actually I do know what goes on in my brain… the constant repetition of him stating his insecurities of people not liking him has now been hard-wired into my head. I fucking hate this guy but can’t put him down because I don’t want people to know the real him but at the same time I do!!! GAHHHHH!!! In a way he deserves to be taken down a peg and giving a small taste of his own medicine but do I really what to turn into him and play his childish games or do I want to end this my head held high with integrity? I guess we will wait and see…

When it rains… it pours!

As they say when it rains it pours. I guess when you hear this phrase your brain goes towards a negative concept, but for me it’s not negative but more delightful… sex!

Oh yes ladies and gentlemen my 5 month drought is finally over!!! *happy dance* Yet why am I not feeling satisfied? I have had sex with 2 separate guys in 2 weeks. One a random I meet at a bar, the other a friend who I slept with before.

Let’s start with the story of ‘country boy’…

I haven’t done the one night stand in a very long time. I just don’t go out on my own anymore. I don’t have the confidence that anyone could possibly think I was interesting or attractive. So after going out in the city with my mate ‘foodie’ for his birthday I decided to stay in the city for a drink by myself before going home. I went to a funky little bar that I love to go to and sat at the bar on my own. Feeling anxious and insecure I order a drink and start flicking through the net on my phone to pass time. Finally this guy sits next to me. He had left his smokes and cash ontop of the bar with no one keeping an eye on them. That is quiet an amazing thing to happen in the city! If you leave ANYTHING on a bar it will disappear. After sitting next to him for a bit I got the courage to finally say ‘how do you just leave your smokes and cash on a bar without it disappearing?’ and the rest was uphill from there. We spoke for hours about everything. I had his full attention from my mouth words and beauty. I couldn’t understand how this guy was so into me but after a few free drinks, my last train gone from the station an invite to his place was put on the table. I was already doing so much out of my comfort zone why not go for the whole hog I thought. We got more grog and went to his place which practically upon arrival the fun began. He was a pretty good kisser and did know how to please a girl in the lower department but unfortunately couldn’t get his member to fully opporate due to the copious amounts of alcohol consumed. We tried but with little success. I believe I had a few orgasims and yes they did feel good but I just felt empty by morning. After saying goodbye and a proposal for another meet up that afternoon I did the long commute home. I was happy that I finally had sex and everyone could tell by the bite marks on my neck but again I felt that something was missing. I did end up meeting up with him again that afternoon and stayed that night. We tried did have sex but again he couldn’t hold a stiff due to drugs, so full satisfaction did not happen. I haven’t heard back from this guy and I guess I never will but that is the reason behind a one night stand.

Now to my second story ‘Bandras’…

I went to a bush doof with cluck cluck and my other housemate, which my old crew puts together. I was roaming around with Mr. Smiles when I finally saw Bandras. I was hoping to spend some time with him because I love his company but when we finally crossed paths I was currently in a head fuck. We walked around for awhile and went back to my tent. Cluck cluck had just woken up and was about to volunteer so Bandras and I stayed in the tent to talk things over. He gave me some great advice and warm comforting hugs that felt so nice. I miss hugging and just showing affection to people so much but my thoughts on those things have changed because of repeated arguments from asshole 2 which has left me with an issue of expressing anything to anyone of a sexual desire. Anywho…. Later that night while cluck cluck went to have a shower Bandras and I had some time alone. We went back to my tent and all I just wanted was more cuddling and kissing but one thing of course lead to another and yes I ended up on top of him. It was enjoyable, sex with Bandras is always good, but again I just felt empty.

Are you not suppose to feel warm and fuzzy after sex? To then fantasize about your encounter? To have that feeling of tension that has been building up finally realised? Well I haven’t felt any of these things for ages and have gotten to a point that I can’t remember if I use to. Even after masterbating I don’t feel it and it is beginning to worry me.

I had an epiphany while out with foodie that I need to see a sex therapist. I have had so many ‘bad’ sexual experiences over my life from molestation, being raped by the one who supposedly loves you and also made to feel like their personal whore. I’m sure after awhile anyone would be a little fucked up right? I remember being a highly sexual person back in my teens and early twenties but then asshole 1 created some baggage and then asshole 2 came along and shattered my existence, leaving me to slowly put together what pieces I could find. I have been doing this over the past year with great success though my next step is to fix my sexual self. I’m 31 and don’t have the desire to have sex. I don’t really think about it, I don’t really want it until in the moment and when I do have it I feel like I haven’t…. pretty fucked up huh?

I want sex in my life and I want it to be good. I want to experiment and explore where sex can take me and who with. I have been made to feel like nothing from my partner for way to long that I can no longer differentiate between feeling like a whore or me when it comes to sex. So I will be looking for a sex therapist over the next few weeks to hopefully fix my delusions on sex.

It has to be positive or nothing…

I have been having such a rough time with life over the past few weeks. I have left my partner, lost my group of friends because they have taken his side and then lost a friend that I though was becoming that life long friend.

Tomorrow though I have my first psych session which I am really looking forward to. To finally talk to someone about everything that has happened over the past years, go over things from my childhood and to be given the right tools to deal with anxiety and depression. I can’t wait. I’m sick of having my brain going against me, rather than with me. 

It’s time we became a team!!! To better and brighter pastures…