So tonight I am going to a friends joint birthday. One is turning 30 and the other 39. I met these people through my ex. Since the split I stopped spending time with a lot of these people, DMF, because I could only imagine what they thought of me.
I had major social anxiety with DMF for a very long time. I was taking way to many drugs and was with a partner that lead me to believe that they didn’t think that highly of me. After a very long time I finally stopped having social anxiety around them and just in general. I think it was the time I started coming to my senses of what my ex was doing.
So tonight is going to be an interesting night for many reasons. First off I am getting on the gear tonight which I am really looking forward to. It has been 3 months since I have had a big night. I actually can’t wait to have some MD and have a MD puddle with someone at some point. You just end up being in a space of complete bliss until the meth start giving you paranoia.
Secondly I do have the possibility of seeing my ex. The last time I saw him was at a party that DMF put on every year called Samsara. It’s a bush doof that is free. Well I saw him with another friend and waved at him. He kinda looked at me weird and waved back. Another girl that I have issues with, that is close to my ex, is also going to be there. I had an encounter with her at Rainbow Serpent. I was really high on GHB and just stood in front of her at her camp site with a few other people and just yelled “HEY!!! How you going?” It was kinda funny cos again I got that weird look. After that though she did unblock me from Facebook so it will be interesting to see if either of them will try to talk to me.
Thirdly the guy that is turning 30 is in a polyamorous relationship. I heard stories about one of their parties that had a ‘fun’ room where people got down and dirty. A fair few of people from DMF are either in open relationship, polyamorous or split. So maybe at some point I could end up having some intimate one on one time.
So what will the night bring???…
A lot of laughs, getting shit faced and the possibility of fun time… we will just have to wait and see xo
So I met up a few days ago with a old friend “TD” which I hadn’t seen in over 4 years. I was very hesitant in seeing this person due to seeing him supporting my ex at court. It hurt a lot seeing him walk into the court house without having a conversation about the situation. I can understand that my ex was friends with him a lot longer than I was but I really did feel that we were friends.
Well during this meet up a lot was spoken about. Things have been cleared up and confirmed due to miscommunication and manipulation happening. My reputation with TD has been cleared with a lot of grief on his part. He regrets that he didn’t know the full story and feels that our lives would have been a lot different if he know, unfortunately though with my ex involved it still would have turned out the same.
Anyways, that is not the only reason why I am writing today and the title of this post, “SHE” (my pussy) may have done something that could hurt this new friendship but in ways I think not.
We had drunk a fair bit that night and even went out dancing and once many years ago we did sleep together, which I can not remember at all. Let me give you some background so you understand… We were major drunk that night due to club lock out laws at the time, and the only places left open at 2am where strip clubs. After cleaning out his liquor supply at home we made a mission to the strippers. After MORE alcohol and a joint lap dance we decided to go home. I was revved up with so much sexual tension by this time and the last thing I remember is jumping into his bed with my gstring and top and then waking up in the morning naked. This was the first and only time that I can not remember having sex with someone due to copious amounts of alcohol.
Now that your up to date I can now continue with my story. Now we didn’t have sex! Yes you maybe be saying why not but what we did is continuously playing in my head. When we woke up in the morning he just started rubbing my lower back gently. That is one of my hot spots I must confess. Then he just started rubbing up and down my back and all over my arms. He was gearing me up just like he did when we went to the strippers. Now we fell asleep fully clothed so to have fingers drifting over my clothes and then making their way onto my skin was heaven. After a while he then began to work his way down and finger me in ways I haven’t been for years. I haven’t had that many orgasms in ages off foreplay! It was amazing!!! He done this not once, not twice but time and time again for 3ish hours, not expecting sex in return but with me and my sex morals my partner needs to be satisfied, so a few blow jobs were given in return. Now after trying to leave multiple times but being dragged back into bed with pleasure, I finally begun to get changed into my clothes from last night. This time after knowing what had happened I didn’t feel like a deer in headlights, it didn’t feel awkward at all. The smart ass comments kept flowing straight away and long held hugs were given.
My head just keeps going back to that amazing morning of endless touching, little kissing and endless pleasure and it gets me revved up right away. This really hasn’t happened to me before. I rarely fantasize about my sexual encounters. I hope that it doesn’t effect what could be a great endless friendship.
I had a very long discussion with a friend yesterday that left me with some interesting topics to post about. A lot of these topics have occurred throughout my life such as self-esteem issues, depression, relationships and suicide.
I have found, just like she has, that suicide is such a taboo subject when brought up in a discussion. People usually have a the quick change the topic reaction, start backing away slowly and think that it is too dark to talk about. It was very interesting though cos she had given me the complete opposite reaction and asked more questions. I have very few conversations that have gone this way and it really raises the question…
WOULD YOU CALL SUICIDE A TABOO SUBJECT?
I have gone through many ups and downs in life and yes, I have attempted before. Once as a teenager and a few when in my 20s. During my adult years I then began to understand why people self mutilate instead of suicide and why people use self medication as a coping mechanism. It gets to a point when trying to dealing with your own demons becomes too much, let alone supporting your partner through his own insecurities. When you don’t have the support there to help you through even the smallest of times, it then builds larger and darker within you. When I would begin to get a feeling of finally opening up to someone who has no idea that anything is even wrong, would then bring on anxiety because you can only assume that their reaction will be the same as your partners. They will say its just all in your head and your overreacting.
I don’t find in shameful to talk about my darkest times now because back then I didn’t have a voice to be able to speak out with but now I do. Only a hand full of my friends know the in-depth stories and one of them is now “Chilli” from yesterday. It’s very therapeutic to have someone actually ask about the little details and for me to be able to voice them. I was never judged but praised for being so open and honest about it.
Suicide I do believe will always stay a taboo subject because people already fear death and just can’t understand why someone would want to their own grim reaper.
What are your thoughts on suicide? Do you talk about it or walk away from it?
Every person you meet in your life has some sort of effect on you. Either it be family, friends, a stranger or ex lover they all leave some sort of mark.
Some of these experiences will strengthen you but some build a brick fence around your heart that becomes higher and harder to break down when you get older.
I’ve been extremely effected by my ex over the last week. It was such a messy break up with a few months in the middle to heal but it now feel like my power is being ripped away from me once again by a person that has no right to anymore.
Now I know it wasn’t all him and I have part to blame in the end but why play games? Why be childish? It all just feels like a fear game to gain power of me again!
It is so stressful right now and I am such a mess but I know I will come out of this even stronger!