After my last session with my sex therapist I have been wondering what it is I wanted from sex but instead of finding an actual answer I begun to think back at how sex has changed throughout my life. I started to think back to my teens/20s all the way to my 5 year open-relationship.
So I guess let’s go back to the beginning…
I was the frist girl in my group of friends to lose their virginity and when I told my friends why I did it, gosh I didn’t hear the end of what a bad person I was. I was 15 and only knew the guy for 3 weeks. I remember meeting him at the local pools and he was 2 years older than me. My first experience was very pleasant. He took his time and talked me through it, which was very lucky from a lot of first times stories I have been told. Yes of course it hurt, which I guess it would, but it was nice and made me think ‘why the hell do people put so much focus on loosing your virginity?.’ You know how the conversation goes with your girlfriends… ‘I want the first time to be with someone I love’ and ‘I want it to be so romantic and memorable’ well I just wanted to know what it felt like.
After getting a taste of the forbidden fruit I wanted more. I became in ways a slut. I loved having sex and wasn’t going to hide behind any stigma that girls where not allowed to be like guys and sleep around. I was extremely confident with my sexuality and ran with it. In year 11 I experienced my first girl kiss. It was totally out of the blue. I was the first person that she came out to. I remember loving getting hugs from her cos she always smelt like soap. Anyways, while having a smoke in the girls toilets she grabbed me and took me into one of the cubicles, she throw me against the wall and pashed me. It was hard and soft all in one. When she pulled away she apologised but I grabbed her and we pashed some more. It was beautiful.
I enjoyed my single life and never thought that I would change but then I started to try out relationships. I had a 6 month relationship with a guy that was extremely controlling. This was also the beginning of me stopping giving head. He told me ‘I sucked like a vacuum’ but then never gave me further information to better my performance. I just turned 18 when we started going out so when we split my sluthood flared up again till 6 months afterwards when I fell in love… hard! It was love at first sight. I remember sitting in his car and when I looked at him I just thought ‘there is something about this guy and I just have to find out what’ I asked him to marry me and we were together for 6 years. This was a very vanilla monogamous relationship. We really didn’t do anything kink at all. The sex in the beginning was amazing but as time went on well… it just made me feel dirty. He knew what type of person I was sexually before I met him. We had a break about 3 years into our relationship and I had slept with 2 people in that break. When we got back together I just never heard the end of it. I practically felt like a prostitute while sleeping with him after the break.
So 8 months after that ended I was introduced to an open relationship. Most of my life I only believed in monogamy and never heard of an open relationship. I was surrounded by monogamy my whole life. When my ex had asked me if I would like to try an open relationship I had to stop and think for a moment. Was this something I could step into? Could I have my cake and eat it too? I had the opportunity to have my partner but also have some on the side. He really did open my eyes up to what else sex had to offer. Like bondage, being dominated and sex toys. He also made me think about trying a swinger club and orgies. These things had ever crossed my mind! A threesome was the only “group” sex I thought about or had tried. He also got me over my giving head issues.
So with my adventurous mind I begun to explore these new exciting things. I really began to enjoy the thought of orgies and multiple partners but alas we never did get to that stage because of his jealousy. The sex with him in the beginning was fantastic but in the end became robotic. It would be the exact same scenario time and time again. This is what would happen… he would watch porn and get really high, he would go have a shower then come and sit next to me, he would tell me how much he loved me and all the things he would do, I would go have a shower, when I would come down more porn would be playing. I would sit next to him and all the things he said would do never happen, he would cum and I would be left wanting more. Awesome right!?!? Well my libido went out the window and I didn’t want sex anymore.
In the end after being introduced to a new relationship lifestyle and sexual expression I was left in a confused mess. I didn’t know if my sexual desires was mine to own or something I was doing because he wanted to do it. The one thing I knew was that I didn’t want to try a monogamous relationship, or any type of relationship, for a long time. I needed to get back to me first before even thinking of investing my time in another.
So again I left with the question want do I want from sex? I guess I want to further my knowledge on BDSM and the kink world. I like a little bit of pain and would want to explore that fine line between pleasure and pain. I would also like to experience a swinger club which I am going to try sometime this month. I have decided that it is something I want to explore and not something of my ex’s ghost. I also think I need to research polygamy further. Maybe this is what I want from future relationships.
All in all I guess who knows what it is that I want from sex. I just want it to be fun, experimental and take me to places that I have never been before! XO