A trip down sex lane…

After my last session with my sex therapist I have been wondering what it is I wanted from sex but instead of finding an actual answer I begun to think back at how sex has changed throughout my life. I started to think back to my teens/20s all the way to my 5 year open-relationship.

So I guess let’s go back to the beginning…

I was the frist girl in my group of friends to lose their virginity and when I told my friends why I did it, gosh I didn’t hear the end of what a bad person I was. I was 15 and only knew the guy for 3 weeks. I remember meeting him at the local pools and he was 2 years older than me. My first experience was very pleasant. He took his time and talked me through it, which was very lucky from a lot of first times stories I have been told. Yes of course it hurt, which I guess it would, but it was nice and made me think ‘why the hell do people put so much focus on loosing your virginity?.’ You know how the conversation goes with your girlfriends… ‘I want the first time to be with someone I love’ and ‘I want it to be so romantic and memorable’ well I just wanted to know what it felt like.

After getting a taste of the forbidden fruit I wanted more. I became in ways a slut. I loved having sex and wasn’t going to hide behind any stigma that girls where not allowed to be like guys and sleep around. I was extremely confident with my sexuality and ran with it. In year 11 I experienced my first girl kiss. It was totally out of the blue. I was the first person that she came out to. I remember loving getting hugs from her cos she always smelt like soap. Anyways, while having a smoke in the girls toilets she grabbed me and took me into one of the cubicles, she throw me against the wall and pashed me. It was hard and soft all in one. When she pulled away she apologised but I grabbed her and we pashed some more. It was beautiful.

I enjoyed my single life and never thought that I would change but then I started to try out relationships. I had a 6 month relationship with a guy that was extremely controlling. This was also the beginning of me stopping giving head. He told me ‘I sucked like a vacuum’ but then never gave me further information to better my performance. I just turned 18 when we started going out so when we split my sluthood flared up again till 6 months afterwards when I fell in love… hard! It was love at first sight. I remember sitting in his car and when I looked at him I just thought ‘there is something about this guy and I just have to find out what’ I asked him to marry me and we were together for 6 years. This was a very vanilla monogamous relationship. We really didn’t do anything kink at all. The sex in the beginning was amazing but as time went on well… it just made me feel dirty. He knew what type of person I was sexually before I met him. We had a break about 3 years into our relationship and I had slept with 2 people in that break. When we got back together I just never heard the end of it. I practically felt like a prostitute while sleeping with him after the break.

So 8 months after that ended I was introduced to an open relationship. Most of my life I only believed in monogamy and never heard of an open relationship. I was surrounded by monogamy my whole life. When my ex had asked me if I would like to try an open relationship I had to stop and think for a moment. Was this something I could step into? Could I have my cake and eat it too? I had the opportunity to have my partner but also have some on the side. He really did open my eyes up to what else sex had to offer. Like bondage, being dominated and sex toys. He also made me think about trying a swinger club and orgies. These things had ever crossed my mind! A threesome was the only “group” sex I thought about or had tried. He also got me over my giving head issues.

So with my adventurous mind I begun to explore these new exciting things. I really began to enjoy the thought of orgies and multiple partners but alas we never did get to that stage because of his jealousy. The sex with him in the beginning was fantastic but in the end became robotic. It would be the exact same scenario time and time again. This is what would happen… he would watch porn and get really high, he would go have a shower then come and sit next to me, he would tell me how much he loved me and all the things he would do, I would go have a shower, when I would come down more porn would be playing. I would sit next to him and all the things he said would do never happen, he would cum and I would be left wanting more. Awesome right!?!? Well my libido went out the window and I didn’t want sex anymore.

In the end after being introduced to a new relationship lifestyle and sexual expression I was left in a confused mess. I didn’t know if my sexual desires was mine to own or something I was doing because he wanted to do it. The one thing I knew was that I didn’t want to try a monogamous relationship, or any type of relationship, for a long time. I needed to get back to me first before even thinking of investing my time in another.

So again I left with the question want do I want from sex? I guess I want to further my knowledge on BDSM and the kink world. I like a little bit of pain and would want to explore that fine line between pleasure and pain. I would also like to experience a swinger club which I am going to try sometime this month. I have decided that it is something I want to explore and not something of my ex’s ghost. I also think I need to research polygamy further. Maybe this is what I want from future relationships.

All in all I guess who knows what it is that I want from sex. I just want it to be fun, experimental and take me to places that I have never been before! XO

The continuous vibrations

So I met up a few days ago with a old friend “TD” which I hadn’t seen in over 4 years. I was very hesitant in seeing this person due to seeing him supporting my ex at court. It hurt a lot seeing him walk into the court house without having a conversation about the situation. I can understand that my ex was friends with him a lot longer than I was but I really did feel that we were friends.

Well during this meet up a lot was spoken about. Things have been cleared up and confirmed due to miscommunication and manipulation happening. My reputation with TD has been cleared with a lot of grief on his part. He regrets that he didn’t know the full story and feels that our lives would have been a lot different if he know, unfortunately though with my ex involved it still would have turned out the same.

Anyways, that is not the only reason why I am writing today and the title of this post, “SHE” (my pussy) may have done something that could hurt this new friendship but in ways I think not.

We had drunk a fair bit that night and even went out dancing and once many years ago we did sleep together, which I can not remember at all. Let me give you some background so you understand… We were major drunk that night due to club lock out laws at the time, and the only places left open at 2am where strip clubs. After cleaning out his liquor supply at home we made a mission to the strippers. After MORE alcohol and a joint lap dance we decided to go home. I was revved up with so much sexual tension by this time and the last thing I remember is jumping into his bed with my gstring and top and then waking up in the morning naked. This was the first and only time that I can not remember having sex with someone due to copious amounts of alcohol.

Now that your up to date I can now continue with my story. Now we didn’t have sex! Yes you maybe be saying why not but what we did is continuously playing in my head. When we woke up in the morning he just started rubbing my lower back gently. That is one of my hot spots I must confess. Then he just started rubbing up and down my back and all over my arms. He was gearing me up just like he did when we went to the strippers. Now we fell asleep fully clothed so to have fingers drifting over my clothes and then making their way onto my skin was heaven. After a while he then began to work his way down and finger me in ways I haven’t been for years. I haven’t had that many orgasms in ages off foreplay! It was amazing!!! He done this not once, not twice but time and time again for 3ish hours, not expecting sex in return but with me and my sex morals my partner needs to be satisfied, so a few blow jobs were given in return. Now after trying to leave multiple times but being dragged back into bed with pleasure, I finally begun to get changed into my clothes from last night. This time after knowing what had happened I didn’t feel like a deer in headlights, it didn’t feel awkward at all. The smart ass comments kept flowing straight away and long held hugs were given.

My head just keeps going back to that amazing morning of endless touching, little kissing and endless pleasure and it gets me revved up right away. This really hasn’t happened to me before. I rarely fantasize about my sexual encounters. I hope that it doesn’t effect what could be a great endless friendship.

And she is back on track… right?

Oh where to begin?!?!?

Let me start off with… I have been single for one week after a very mentally, emotionally and manipulative relationship that lasted for 4 years. Before that, the same shit but with another guy that I asked to marry me. So 6 years with him and 4 with the other, that means 10 years of harsh negative reinforcement, drug abuse, mental health but I can say that I am grateful it all happened twice, cause it was a lesson in life that I had to relive! I didn’t get it the first time and its for damn sure I got it the second time!

The second round through lead me down a very VERY dark path. I have never been so dark and crippled in my life (and I’m quiet a morbid person) but I was 2 years straight smoking methamphetamines with an emotionally hollow male that had self-love issues, insecurities that he would arrogantly portray onto you and not see it in himself, black mailing meth junkie, that isolated me from everyone and kept me hooked on gear so I wouldn’t leave. Oh and to just add onto that… practically fest up that the only reason I was given free drugs was to, in a way, pay for it with sex!!!!

Oh yes my life has been joy, it has been bliss and I do not for once sec look back and say I would change anything for any reason. Everything happens for a reason!! No matter what and even though my past so far has not been “good” it’s made me the person I am today.

On another note though it’s so weird being single again and having to actually live life on my own. Well I do have 2 house mates but I have always lived with my partner.

IT IS AWESOME!!!

I don’t have to take care of anyone but myself, I just have to clean up after myself and cook my meals! Easy! Also to be around people and not being alone all the time is amazing. Yeah, that thing, that small thing that you take for granted, connection and affection…. well I haven’t had THAT for years and you know what I am not giving it up any time soon.

SSOOOOOO……

A glimpse of old self came out to play last night and like usual it was then snatched away from underneath me like a freight train! She was blunt, she was horny and she got sex!!!! BOOYAH!!! Oh yes it was nice (and he smelt SO good) it was sexy, there was actually hands up and down my spine *droll* and a orgasm in there as well! Shock horror!!!

Then to just make my happy moment be something of the past, not even 5hrs later, a spoofed call from my ex masking as my best friends number! Like WTF! So off to the police and action is now being taken. So a dip in the happiness pond with my big toe occurred and right back to feeling guilty and ashamed emerged as always!!!